The Power of No: Setting Healthy Boundaries

Alone time

We often focus on doing things that please others, often with good intentions. But sometimes it gets a little too much for the one who is always giving, always showing up for friends and family or even colleagues. I believe most of us have found ourselves wondering if we could say no and still be seen as loving people. And there have been times when we've actually wanted to say no but felt like we were going to hurt the other person. This also includes our own children, parents and spouses. What do you do in a situation where your child or even a parent is manipulative or abusive? We are going to look at all of this together and my aim is to help people who, like me, had difficulties in setting boundaries.

It took me a long time to even realise I needed this. I met someone who quickly became a good friend and she's the one who told me about the book titled Boundaries and that was a few years ago. I bought it and started reading it that very same day. From the very first chapter, I could see myself. I saw what I had been going through for years with people who expected a lot from me and, needless to say, were not giving much themselves. What is sad about this whole thing is that the people who take advantage of us are often the ones close to us.

This book talks about boundaries and your family, your friends, your spouse, your children, work, yourself and also how God factors into the whole bondaries setting thing. Yes, I said God and He is really good at setting boundaries. And what I like about this book is that it is written by Christian authors, with scripture refences.

I was someone who felt like I needed to say yes to people when they said they needed my help and sometimes I offered help even when I knew I wasn't up to it. I don't even know why but after reading this book, it was obvious that I needed to set boundaries and I did. It was hard at first but I stuck to it. I had to because I felt abused by people who were supposed to be friends while most of the time all they did was take when I had nothing much to give. It started to become painful and I could feel resentment growing inside of me but I had no courage to let them know how I felt. At that point I knew I had to stand up for myself and I did. And one thing I can tell you is that I don't let anyone do that to me anymore and it has been a learning process and my boundaries are not going anywhere.

I decided to share this so that you can become aware that that setting boundaries is a good thing and will lead to a helthier you. It will help you avoid resentment and you will do only what you feel you are able to do for people. If they don't like it, tough. We really need to start looking out for ourselves and stop trying to please people. Continue to do good for them and yes, we are required to carry each other's burden as per Galatians 6:2 but don't let them call you at the eleventh hour for the umpteenth time just because someone has let them down. If they borrow money and you don't have enough even for yourself, tell them you do not have it. Galatians 6:5 also says each one should carry their own load. We still need to be responsible for ourselves. We need to take ownership of certain aspects of our lives.

God does not endorse irresponsible behaviour. There are always consequences for such. Parents usually have difficulties setting boundaries where their children are concerned but you have to. Look at what happened to Eli and his sons who served with him as priests. The sons misrepresented God and He, as you may know, does not appreciate being misrepresented at all. Eli should have removed his sons as priests but he didn't. We also see misrepresentation of God with Moses where he did what God did not tell him to do out of anger and he did not enter the promised land.

Parents often yell and nag instead of letting their children reap the natural consequences of their behaviour. You have to talk to your children for a certain period of time about their behaviour but if they don't want to change, let them reap the consequences that come with disobedience.

We ought to parent with love and limits, with warmth and consequences. Look at how God does it. God does not force anyone to behave. He sets standards, but He lets you be who you are and we all know what happens when you choose to go against those standards. You can be what you choose to be and go against God's rules but in the end you won't spend eternity with Him. Where God is, is a place for the repentant.

Cut off communication with people who always hurt you. Don't let boundary bullies trample over your boundaries.

Grace and Peace.